Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Sick House

Let me just preface this with 2 words... I'm crazy...

If you don't understand that... then this post will be weird to you.

A few weeks back, on a Friday, Lilly was at Amandas house in the morning. I was in class and wasn't able to check my phone, but when the class was over I checked my phone and I had a text message from Amanda telling me that her son was sick with a 24 hour throwing up virus and I should come home to pick up Lilly. I rushed home to pick her up and felt terrible because I couldn't even stand in front of their door... (I'm a horrible friend... ) I snatched Lilly... held her out in front of me.. and we went straight to the bathtub. She got a bath and her clothes got washed... we sanitized anything I could think of  that might have germs on it... and then we sat down and begun the longest 2 and a half weeks ever.

I was freaking out.. Steve was out of town and we were supposed to go down to St. George that weekend anyway so we packed up and went down early. If Lilly was going to start throwing up.. I didn't want to be alone. While we were in St. George, Lilly got some nasty diarrhea.. We changed 8 poopy diapers in 1 day. She was acting fine though.. and she still had her appetite... By the end of that weekend I was pretty sure that that was the form that the virus took and that she had gotten over it.

The rest of the week she had some random crazy diapers.. but nothing that indicated she was sick. Thursday night I went to go teach my classes and while I was there, Steve texted me and told me that Lilly was sick. She had thrown up twice and I needed to bring her sprite. That's when the panic attack started... I immediately called some family members because they had some essential oils that were supposed to help with a few things.. I borrowed some from them (Thank you again Matt and Lauren!) and ran to a gas station to pick up sprite. Steve called me and told me to hurry... she had thrown up again. Panic attack got worse.. As I headed home, I used the lavender oil and it stopped my shaking.. so that was nice.. but I still was so scared I didn't know what I was going to do when I got home. I'm sure that house had germs that was going to make both Steve and I sick as well and I just didn't know how I was going to make it through.

This was the low point. Forgive me... it still hurts me to think of this. My poor daughter... sick as can be... scared and just needing her mommy... I couldn't even hug her. I couldn't even look in her direction. I sat on the other side of my bedroom door bawling because I wanted to comfort my baby girl.. she sat in daddy's arms crying for me to come hug her and tell her it's all going to be ok... but I let her down. I couldn't be there for her... ugh... This cannot go on.

This is when I decided to get help. I've been haunted with this phobia for years and years... but it has only affected me in the past. Sure it's been crappy living with it... The measures I have to go to to keep myself from going into a panic attack... screening every movie I ever watch... checking to see which way shoes are pointing in public restrooms... throwing away food sometimes even before the expiration date...  avoiding (sometimes rudely) sick people even if they are friends... and much more... But that only hurts me...Sometimes Steve for having to deal with a panic attack or putting up with my crazy habits... but up until now it hasn't hurt anyone besides me. But I can't live like this anymore. I always thought therapy would be extremely expensive and quite honestly I've almost been just as scared of therapy for some reason... but I looked into therapy at UVU and a session only costs 10 bucks... I don't know if they deal with stuff like this, but I have to at least try. When I was in high school I looked online for what the treatments were and they were basically exposure therapy. They had an online program that I tried.. basically you were supposed to look at pictures.. starting with one that was supposed to be funny and as soon as you are ok with those you move onto more real pictures and basically desensitize yourself ... the first one was an egg that had a face on it and it was cracked open with the insides coming out of the crack... I looked at that one picture and got a panic attack. The stupid egg picture made my phobia worse... So since then I have kind of felt like therapy wasn't going to work on me so why try... but really I'm sick of living this way and maybe this time it will be different to work with an actual person instead of just photos online.

So anyway... moving on. Lilly was able to go to sleep that night... and so was Steve... but I don't think I slept all week. Lilly went all night without throwing up and so Friday morning we figured she was all better. She was acting really clingy and tired but fine overall. She had some more diarrhea.. but that was all for Friday. Saturday I went to a FCDA party and while I was there Steve texted me and told me Lilly threw up again...

She was acting perfect after that. Still had diarrhea... but she was so happy! Sunday night... Steve and I started feeling crappy. Steve was able to sleep after a while in the bed... but I was up all night... Neither of us threw up... but we were definitely sick. It wasn't until Tuesday morning were we feeling mostly better... we went back to work and school... just so happy that the crappiest long weekend was over! And we were greeted Wednesday morning to yet another crazy diaper. We were beginning to wonder if this would ever end but that was the end of it... finally!

We thought Lilly could use some fresh air so we opened the door... she usually runs out and down the stairs but this is as far as she would go... she just sat on the doorstep and watched the cars! 
Daddy was amazing this week... He had to deal with everything and was there for Lilly when I couldn't be.
Our bathtub took a beating... so much that Lilly had to take a bath in our kitchen sink once...

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